@Mathilde H. Ross : 我是一名精神科医生，在波士顿大学咨询中心工作了近二十年。近十年来，儿童焦虑症有所增加，专家们一直在寻找原因，例如手机、社交媒体或过度依赖心理治疗。但我认为，一个隐藏的原因是育儿趋势。专家们给父母带来了很多压力，导致他们焦虑不安，这种焦虑也影响到了他们的孩子。学生们告诉我，他们的父母会通过手机监控他们的位置，如果他们离开校园或逃课，就会打电话。他们还告诉我，父母一天会打好几次电话，如果忙碌的学生没有接电话，他们就会生气或担心。以前，专家建议父母更多地参与到孩子的生活中。但现在，专家们又建议父母少参与。如果专家们只是告诉父母相信自己的直觉，做自己认为对的事情，那该多好！但这样就卖不出书了。在与青少年相处方面，关系最重要。孩子们需要感到可以信任你，可以和你一起处理重要的人生决定或危机。但如果他们认为这会导致争吵或让他们更加焦虑，他们可能就不会向你求助。现在，焦虑不仅仅来自书籍。到处都是社交媒体影响者，他们比你早六个月成为父母，他们很乐意出售育儿建议。只要点击这个链接，支付10美元，你就可以观看她如何比你更好地哄孩子睡觉。但请记住，视频是经过编辑的。如果我能控制编辑，我可以让霸王龙看起来像个婴儿耳语者。如果育儿文化让尽职尽责的父母变得焦虑和痴迷，那么作为一名忙碌的精神科医生，我会推荐什么呢？幸运的是，应对育儿焦虑的完美解药已经存在于你当地书店的不同区域：养狗手册。没错，养狗手册对新手父母来说几乎是完美的礼物。它们包含了新家庭需要知道的一切。它们通常从这样一部分开始：'准备你的家'。创造一个他们可以安全探索的空间，移除任何可能被体液损坏的物品。养狗手册通常强调让结合过程顺利进行的重要性，例如：'不要害怕做你自己'。如果小狗感到安全和被爱，它们可以接受任何人类或任何家庭结构。保持一致性和可预测性会有所帮助。你的小狗一开始可能很难读懂你，所以要表现出热情的爱意。毫无保留地爱它们。它们可能看起来并不爱你，但这没关系。它们有很多东西需要适应，更不用说发育不完全的大脑了。当它们是青少年时，这也适用。使用积极的强化。清楚地奖励理想的行为，而忽略其他一切。小狗不明白惩罚或批评，这些可能会干扰结合过程。狗是群居动物的后代。如果你在它们小的时候把它们单独留下太久，它们可能会对遗弃变得敏感，永远不要吓唬你的小狗。吓唬你的小狗可能会让它们焦虑或具有攻击性。养狗手册中有很多关于成长和发展的信息，例如：发展是一个生物学上的必然。它大多只是发生。沉迷于发展时间表不太可能对您或您的幼犬带来乐趣。逐渐地让你的小狗接触新的事物，但一定要让它们接触新的事物。它们必须学会适应人类世界，这不是一个自然环境。确保你的小狗有充足的睡眠。没有睡眠，它们就不能正常生长、学习或调节行为。此外，睡觉的小狗非常可爱。这里有一些关于你与小狗关系的指导。吠叫是正常的。有些狗很吵。如果你需要休息一下，就休息一下。你最终会因为它们的吠叫而爱上它们。你的小狗可能永远不会对你的工作或你对政治的看法感兴趣。别担心。和它们一起玩游戏。这不是你养小狗的原因吗？还有一些关于在当代社会管理小狗的有用指导，例如：'狗已经存在了数千年。你的小狗可能不需要社交媒体影响者推销的塑料小玩意儿。你的小狗可能永远不会被选为西敏寺犬展。'大多数狗都不会，所以别担心。西敏寺犬展主要取决于正确的繁殖。此外，这些比赛会让狗变得神经质和难以伺候。总有一天，你的小狗可能会想追兔子或与另一只狗玩耍。它们最终会更喜欢其他狗而不是你。没关系。这并不意味着它们不爱你。这意味着它们有安全依恋。安全依恋是幼犬时期健康探索和成年时期最佳心理健康的基础。这就是全部内容。新手父母需要知道的一切都可以在养狗手册中找到。令人高兴的是，这大多是通情达理的人已经知道的事情。你是你孩子唯一需要的育儿专家。你从字面上来说就是为此而生的。所以我会再说一遍。你做得到。
作为一名在波士顿大学咨询中心工作近二十年的精神科医生，我目睹了近十年来儿童焦虑症的增加。专家们将原因归咎于手机、社交媒体或过度依赖心理治疗，但我认为，育儿趋势本身就是一个隐藏的因素。
专家们给父母施加了巨大的压力，导致许多父母焦虑不安，这种焦虑还会传染给孩子。我接触的学生经常讲述父母通过手机监控他们位置的故事，稍有偏差便会电话不断。这种过度干预，以及专家们前后矛盾的建议——从鼓励父母高度参与到提倡减少参与——都加剧了父母的焦虑。
如果专家们能简单地告诉父母相信自己的直觉，做他们认为对的事情，情况可能会好很多。但现实是，这卖不出书。
在与青少年相处方面，信任至关重要。孩子需要感受到父母是他们可以依靠的对象，能够在重要的人生抉择或危机时刻给予支持。然而，如果孩子担心寻求帮助会引发争吵或增加焦虑，他们便会选择沉默。
如今，焦虑的来源不仅仅是育儿书籍。社交媒体上充斥着各种育儿“专家”，他们往往经验不足却热衷于兜售育儿建议。这些经过精心编辑的视频，很容易误导缺乏经验的父母。
那么，面对这种育儿焦虑的泛滥，我作为一名精神科医生会推荐什么呢？答案或许出乎意料：养狗手册。
养狗手册中包含了新手父母所需的大部分信息，而且这些信息往往是常识性的。例如，手册会强调准备一个安全的环境，建立积极的互动，使用正向强化，以及尊重狗狗的成长规律。这些原则同样适用于育儿。
养狗手册中关于狗狗成长和发展的章节，也为父母提供了宝贵的参考。它强调发展是一个自然过程，不必过度焦虑于发展时间表。它鼓励父母让孩子逐渐接触新事物，保证充足的睡眠，并建立积极的亲子关系。
手册中还包含了关于处理现实生活中问题的建议，例如如何应对狗狗的吠叫，如何处理狗狗对某些事物的兴趣缺缺，以及如何看待狗狗与其他狗狗的互动。这些建议同样适用于孩子。
总而言之，养狗手册中蕴含着许多育儿智慧。它提醒我们，父母是孩子最好的导师，而育儿过程更多的是依靠直觉和爱，而不是盲目追逐各种育儿潮流。你天生就具备养育孩子的能力。你做得到。
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02:13 育儿专家过多的建议反而会增加父母的焦虑，有时只需要告诉父母“你做得到”就足够了。
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02:46 大多数父母其实做得很好，他们只需要被鼓励和肯定，而不是被各种育儿建议弄得焦虑不安。
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03:16 育儿书籍可能导致尽职尽责的父母变得焦虑和痴迷。
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03:50 父母的焦虑可能源于专家们提供的过多育儿建议，这些建议让父母们陷入困境，并最终影响到孩子。
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04:19 育儿专家建议的转变（从过度参与到过度不参与）造成了新的问题。
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05:15 过多的育儿信息会增加父母的焦虑，而这种焦虑会传染给孩子。
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05:48 社交媒体上的育儿建议很多都是经过精心编辑的，并不能完全反映真实情况。
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06:17 养狗手册可以为新手父母提供很好的育儿建议。
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06:53 养狗手册中关于养育宠物的许多建议也适用于养育孩子，例如：建立安全感、积极强化、保持一致性、关注孩子的成长发展而不是过度焦虑于时间表等。
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10:51 父母是孩子唯一需要的育儿专家，他们天生就具备养育孩子的能力。
00:00
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01:21
You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hugh. I have three daughters. So believe me when I tell you, over the years, I've read a lot of parenting books. And these days, it does seem like everyone has an opinion on the best way to parent. 语法解析
01:40
For university psychiatrist Mathilde H. Ross, the fear and anxiety parents have around getting parenting wrong is so real. But there's a point where all of the expert advice starts to make things worse. In her 2024 talk, Mathilde shares why anxiety is on the rise among parents and why sometimes all you really need to hear is, you've got this. That's coming up. It's not that there's anything wrong with parenting books per se. 语法解析
02:13
It's just that they can be risky when they fall into the wrong hands. And when I say “wrong hands,” I mean parents, specifically conscientious and dutiful parents, which is most parents. Here's the problem: if you're a parent, you're probably just fine the way you are. All you need to hear is, “You've got this!” But everywhere you turn, experts tell you how complicated parenting has become. 语法解析
02:46
You should follow their advice on everything from putting your child to sleep to feeding them to playing with them, even though humans have somehow been doing this for millennia. Parenting books run the risk of turning conscientious and dutiful parents into anxious and obsessive parents. What do I mean? I'm a psychiatrist, and I have worked at Boston University's Counseling Center for nearly two decades. 语法解析
03:16
There's been a lot of hand-wringing about increasing anxiety among kids over the past decade or so. Experts have been lining up to explain why. It's cell phones or social media or maybe an over-reliance on therapy? Maybe? But what if there's a reason hiding in plain sight? What about parenting trends? The experts have got parents tied up in knots, so much so that the aftermath trickles into my office. Here's what I mean: 语法解析
03:50
Students tell me about parents monitoring their location on their cell phone and calling if they've ventured off campus or slept through class. They tell me about parents calling several times a day, then getting mad or worried when the busy student doesn't pick up. You can probably imagine how that goes. A generation ago, the experts told parents to get more involved. 语法解析
04:19
The pendulum has swung so far in the other direction that it's causing new problems. So now we have experts telling parents the importance of being less involved. What if all these experts just told parents to trust their instincts and do what feels right? Wouldn't sell many books. When it comes to managing teenagers, the relationship is everything. 语法解析
04:47
They need to feel like they can trust you with an important life decision or with a crisis. But they might not turn to you if they think it will cause an argument or make them more anxious. All the chatter is making parents more anxious. Clinicians like me think anxiety is contagious and is particularly transmissible to small children. Conflict mostly comes later. 语法解析
05:15
And these days, it's not just coming from books. Everywhere you turn, there's a social media influencer who's been a parent six months longer than you have, who is happy to sell parenting advice. Just click this link and pay 10 bucks, and you can watch her put her toddler down for an app just a little bit better than you do. Does anyone remember how editing works? I could make a T-Rex look like a baby whisperer if I controlled the editing. So … 语法解析
05:48
If parenting culture turns dutiful parents into anxious and obsessive parents, what's a busy psychiatrist to recommend? Luckily, the perfect antidote to parenting angst already exists in a different section of your local bookstore: puppy manuals. That's right. A puppy manual is practically the perfect gift for a first-time parent. They contain everything a new family needs to know. 语法解析
06:17
They usually start with a section like this: “Prepare your home.” Create a space where they can explore safely, removing any items that might be damaged by body fluids. See what I mean? I couldn't have said it better myself. Puppy manuals usually emphasize the importance of making the bonding process go well, like this: “Don't be afraid to be yourself.” A puppy can accept any human or any family structure if they feel safe and loved. 语法解析
06:53
Being consistent and predictable helps. Your puppy might have difficulty reading you at first, so use effusive displays of affection. Love them with abandon. It might seem like they don't love you back, but that's OK. They've got a lot to get used to, not to mention an undeveloped brain. This also applies when they are teenagers. Use positive reinforcement. Reward desired behaviors clearly and just ignore everything else. 语法解析
07:27
Puppies don't understand punishment or criticism, and these may interfere with the bonding process. Dogs are descended from pack animals. If you leave your puppy alone too much when they are little, they might become sensitive to abandonment and never frighten your puppy. Frightening your puppy might make them anxious or aggressive. Huh, these puppy people are really on to something. Puppy manuals have quite a bit of information on growth and development, like this. 语法解析
08:01
Development is a biological imperative. It mostly just happens. Obsessing about developmental timelines is unlikely to be fun for you or your puppy. Expose your puppy to new things gradually, but do expose them to new things. They must learn to adapt to the human world, which is not a natural environment. And make sure your puppy gets plenty of sleep. They can't grow normally, learn well or regulate their behavior without it. 语法解析
08:32
Plus, sleeping puppies are super cute. Here's some guidance on your relationship with your puppy. Barking is normal. Some dogs are loud. Just take a break from them if you need it. You will eventually love them for their barking. Your puppy will probably never be interested in stories about your job or your views on politics. Don't worry about it. Play games with them. Isn't that why you got a puppy? 语法解析
09:10
There's also helpful guidance about managing a puppy in contemporary society, like this: “Dogs have existed for millennia. Your puppy can probably survive without that plastic gadget being pushed by a social media influencer. Your puppy will probably never be chosen for the Westminster Dog Show.” Most aren't, so don't worry about it. The Westminster Dog Show is mostly about having the right breeding. 语法解析
09:44
Besides, those competitions can make dogs neurotic and high-maintenance. Someday, your puppy might feel like chasing a bunny or playing with another dog. They will eventually prefer other dogs to you. That's OK. It doesn't mean they don't love you. It means they have a secure attachment. A secure attachment is the foundation for healthy exploration during puppyhood and optimal mental health during adulthood. 语法解析
10:18
There you have it. Everything new parents need to know can be found in a puppy manual. Happily, it's mostly stuff that reasonable people already know. You are the only parenting expert your child needs. You are quite literally evolved for this. So I'll say it again. You've got this. Thank you. That was Mathilde H. Ross at TED Next in 2024. 语法解析
10:51
If you're curious about Ted's curation, find out more at ted.com slash curation guidelines. And that's it for today's show. TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. 语法解析
11:00
This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, Alejandra Salazar, and Tonsika Sarmarnivon. It was mixed by Christopher Faisy-Bogan. Additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Balarezo. I'm Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening. 语法解析
11:32
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12:00
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12:25
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Edit:2025.04.04